Hey! Them fellers at Infocom ain't dummies, ya know. No, siree, Bob! They were right up there at the head of the line when the "smahts" got doled out. (That, I'm told, is how it's properly pronounced in New England where, for totally obscure reasons, Infocom fellers are said to live.) Heck, they know all sorts of important stuff, like, well, girls use the ladies' loo and boys use the gents'. They also know that both boys and girls play their games, and in this one (hereafter to be referred to as LGOP) it's important to get the sexes straightened out right quick.

That's because LGOP is a sci-fi sex comedy adventure. This means there's a fair amount of ravishing going on, at least there is if you play it in either the "Lewd" or the "Suggestive" mode. (Not sure about "Tame" mode; never tried it.) Anyway, if you want the full impact as you play, it's important to determine which you are: ravisher or ravishee. ('Course, if you're kinky, you can be both. But you'll have to play the game twice, once as a man, once as a woman, to do that.)

All of which gets us to the start of the game. You find yourself in Upper Sandusky, Ohio, in Joe's Bar, to be precise. You've quaffed a fair amount of no-name beer (at five cents a glass, who cares about names?), and you feel an urge. You trace the urge to the region of your bladder.

You are told that the ladies' facility is northeast and the gents' is northwest. Okay, go in the direction of whichever one you normally use. Yes, I said NORMALLY!

Clever, huh? This is how those subtle smahties at Infocom get you to determine what sex you will be in LGOP. In any case, you will find either bathroom to be filthy and fly-specked. Moreover, each contains a stool. Get the stool if you think it will come in handy (and no cracks about which stool, either! It's the three-legged one). Under certain circumstances, the stool may prove useful, but it isn't vital.

Also, while you're in there, you might want to follow instructions and use the Scratch 'n' Sniff card which comes with the game. (Honest, the scents on the card really do smell pretty close to what they're supposed to. Well, some of them do, anyway.) On the other hand, if card-sniffing isn't your bag, simply type, "Smell the odor," hit RETURN and each time you'll be told what you're supposed to be smelling. In the case of the bathroom, it's an old pizza slice, dubiously discarded in the corner. Finally, before leaving the bathroom, use it. I mean the bathroom, silly, not the pizza slice! And no prurient entries, please. Just type, "Use the bathroom." After you have done so, exit back into the bar and order a drink.

Usually, the bartender will tell you you've had enough. If he does, try ordering again. You won't get another one, of course, but Infocom has to have a little delay in the game before you get zapped by tentacled aliens (?) from your cozy bar into a cell. That's right, a cell. You are suddenly, and with no logic whatsoever, a prisoner of the dreaded LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS, whose dastardly plan it is to invade and take over Earth for their own sinister purposes. This bodes ill, I fear for God, country, the old ball game, mom's apple pie, and all those other values we hold so dear.

Oh, at this point I should interject that you start LGOP in what is called "Suggestive Mode." In movie lingo, this roughly corresponds to "PG." At any point in the game, including the beginning, you can change modes by typing in either "Tame" (ho hum), which gets a "G," or "Lewd," which is "R." This, of course, permits you to play the game all the way through in any of three modes, not to mention as a male and/or a female. If this is confusing, well, don't fret on it. One other thing, you have to be eighteen or over to play in "Lewd" mode. No cheating! (Remember those tentacled aliens?)

Okay, you're in your cell and you find some things to take: a flashlight, a painting of a pussy cat and a blanket. Take all. Also, someone thrusts a tray containing a hunk of brown food into your cell. Get the food (it's chocolate candy) but forget the tray.

Evidently, one of those aliens was asleep at the tentacle because he/she/it forgot to lock your cell door. Open the door and go south.

Across the hallway, you find another cell door. You also see a sign at the head of some stairs which go up and down. The sign says, "Observation Room." Don't go up yet. Instead, open the other cell door. (Some jail!) Inside the other cell you find (a) a man named Trent, if you're playing the game as a male; (b) a girl named Tiffany, if you're playing as a female. Trent or Tiffany will be your faithful, albeit not too bright, companion from now on.

On the floor of this cell you spy a crumpled piece of paper. Get it and read it. It turns out there's a seemingly meaningless matrix of letters on the paper. The operative word here, folks, is MATRIX. If you scan the letters very carefully you will make out words, for the matrix is one of those "scramble-grams." Some of the words run backward from left-to-right, others are forward, right-to-left. Some run vertically, others diagonally and several intersect. In any case, encircle the words as you find them. You should wind up with eight circled items: blender, rubber hose, phonebook, angle, cotton balls, photo, mouse and headlight.

For the present, you are not told the significance of these objects. Eventually (rather soon, as a matter of fact), you will learn what they're for. However, as with many Infocom puzzles, all is not as obvious as it seems with this matrix. If you are paying very, very close attention, you will discover that its real significance is with the letters you DON'T circle. If you put these together, you will read the phrase, "Hissing frightens flytraps." You are encouraged to stash this information in your memory banks. It comes in handy later on.

Okay, leave the cell and go upstairs to the Observatory Room. (Note: there's a basement downstairs, and one flight up from the Observatory is the Roof of the Observatory. The basement isn't important; the roof is.) Once you're upstairs, go north into the tiny closet where it's too dark to see anything. Turn on your flashlight. Now you can see, and you notice a black circle on the floor and a wicker basket up on a shelf; but the basket is too high to reach.

Here, you can either drop your stool (if you took it) and stand on it, or you can stand on the shoulders of your newly acquired companion. Either way, take the basket. It's a good idea to put your possessions into the basket, too, since this will permit you to carry more stuff, at least until you find a roomier receptacle. No? You don't want to do that? Well, at least put the blanket in the basket. You'll be sorry if you don't put your other stuff in, too. When you get the dropsies, don't come crawling to me for sympathy. Finally, stand on the circle.


Whoosh! You're zapped away to the Jungle. Slithering up to you through the excessive heat and humidity is a gigantic Venus Flytrap. It looks (and is) hungry!

I've got some explaining to do so I'll pause here. First, I should tell you that the sequence of events in LGOP does not necessarily have to follow my walkthru scenario. For instance, if you had gone upstairs one more flight to the Roof of the Observatory, you would have seen another black circle. If you had stood on this one instead of the circle in the closet, you would have been teleported to the Martian Desert instead of the Jungle.

The sequence isn't especially important. What matters is that there are black circles (teleporters) located at key locations throughout the game. You should make a note of where each circle is situated and where each one takes you. Otherwise, you will quickly get lost and doubtless die and be forgotten, never to taste mom's apple pie again. One other thing: whenever you stand on a black circle, your faithful companion will emerge right behind you when you reach your destination. Well, most of the time he/she will.

Back to the action. There's this flytrap, see? Well, we know what to do, don't we? Hiss at the flytrap. (Oh, and it might be a good idea to turn off your flashlight, too!)

Your hissing promptly causes the flytrap to cooperatively expire. (He mistakes the hiss for a spray can of weed killer.) With the flytrap out of the way, you can now proceed west to the Spawning Ground for Venusian slime beasts. Only one spot is free of slime and it contains a black circle. Next to the circle is a jar of ointment. Get the jar, but do not stand on the circle. Examine the jar. It turns out to contain untangling cream, whatever that is.

At this point, Trent/Tiffany will toss you a matchbook. You notice it is empty, but there are notations scrawled all over the cover. Your companion tells you this is a list of things he needs to whip up a Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Attack Machine! As it turns out, the list is a duplication of the objects you so laboriously decoded from that meaningless matrix you found back in your cell. Anyway, now you know what you must obtain in order to win the game. You also note that, so far, you're batting zero. On with the quest!

Having read the matchbook cover, go east from the Spawning Ground back into the Jungle. Go east again. At this point, a mighty tree rises before you! Suddenly, the tree dies and is consumed by Venusian hypertermites, leaving a gigantic hole in the ground.

What to do about the hole? Well, you can go down into it if you wish. But that's pretty boring. Besides, you won't be able to get out again unless you have your stool. (That's really the only use I found for the thing, by the way.) On the other hand, Infocom doesn't just allow things like unexplained tree-dyings to occur, do they? I never tried this, but I gather the purpose of the hole is to permit another solution to the flytrap puzzle. I suspect this is included in case you didn't/couldn't decipher the meaningless matrix of letters. (Those Infocom guys know that not everyone is as smaht as they are!)

Anyway, one of the places you will teleport to at some point in the game is Cleveland. There, you will find a trellis and a sack. If you are following a sequence of events which gets you to Cleveland before you get to the Jungle and the Venus Flytrap, here's what you can do. Presumably, you will be astute enough to take the sack and the trellis when you find them. The sack is full of leaves (69,105 to be exact). Now, when you get to the Jungle put the trellis over the hole left by the tree, and dump the leaves on the trellis. The flytrap will sidle up to you across the trellis and fall into the hole. End of problem.

Since you have just hissed the flytrap into oblivion, you may completely disregard the foregoing, ignore the hole and proceed east yet again. This takes you to a Clearing. In the Clearing is a can of black stain. Get the can and go northeast.

You come to the front door of a plasticoid house. It is closed and locked. What's more, you don't have a key. Go east to the Rocky Clifftop. There isn't much here except, oh, a black circle and a neat view. Off to the northwest you can see a Vizicomm Booth. Go northwest. (The black circle can keep.)

Enter the Vizicomm Booth, which is out of order. Turn or pull the coin return knob and you'll here a clank. Open the return box, and a coin drops to the ground. Get the coin and examine it. The coin reads "Ten Marsmids." Fine. Now go back to the Rocky Clifftop (just type "Exit"). From the clifftop, go north. You find yourself at the back door of the plasticoid house. And you are NOT alone!

An extraordinary number of door-to-door salesmen are camped out here. One of them approaches you and offers to barter one of his machines for something of equal value you might be carrying. Offer the flashlight to the salesman. In exchange, you receive what is described as a TEE-Remover Machine.

Before the salesman can explain, he turns on your flashlight and a giant Venusian Megamoth swoops down and carries him off. The other salesmen scatter to the four winds. Hm -- a Tee-Remover?

Open the machine. Put the jar (of untangling cream) into the machine. Close the door and turn on the machine. The machine whirs and grinds. When it stops, open the door and get the jar. It now contains unAngling cream. (Oh, brother!) Now knock on the back door.


You are welcomed by a Mad Scientist (mit a Cherman accent, uff courze). He welcomes you because you look like a grand candidate for his next mad experiment! Go downstairs.

Oops! You're in the Mad Scientist's laboratory. It contains a cage. The cage contains two gorillas. The cage also contains a rubber hose. Quick! Throw the candy (the hunk of brown food, remember?) into the cage. Just in time! The mad scientist straps you and Trent/Tiffany down to a couple of slabs. Then he throws an ominous looking switch.

Suddenly, you find yourself inside the cage. You also find yourself inside a gorilla skin! Odd, you can also see your own body still strapped to the first slab. Gee! The female/male gorilla in here with you looks better and better all the time. Kiss the gorilla.

This seems to satisfy the Mad Scientist that his experiment is working chust fein, zo he bounds up the stairs, leaving you locked in the cage with the gorilla. Your companion, who has been transported to the "body" of a Venus Flytrap, is of no help. He remains strapped to the second slab.

Let's see, wasn't there a rubber hose on that list? Yep. Get the hose. Now eat the candy. You feel a sugar rush. (For those of you not quite so smaht as those Infocom fellers, a sugar rush means you feel super strong.) Good. Open the cage. Wow! You really are super strong! You part the bars easily and can exit the cage. Do so.

Drop the hose outside the cage. Then, go to the second slab and unstrap Trent/Tiffany (watch out for those "tentacles!"). Next, unstrap your body. While your sugar rush is ebbing, pull the switch. Good! You're back in your own body again. Get off the slab and retrieve the rubber hose and put it in your basket.

If you were paying attention when you entered the laboratory (it's always a good idea to read the descriptions, no?), you noticed there was a black circle at the foot of the stairs. This might be a good time to stand on it.

Zap! You're back inside the Vizicomm Booth. Exit the booth and you're back on the clifftop. Now you can stand on the black circle you saw the first time you came here. Doing so takes you to the Royal Docks. Moored to the end of this dock is a royal barge. To the south is a ruined castle. Go south.

You are in the throne room of King Mitre. It seems that we've been wrong all along about the legend of King Midas; he, who we always thought could turn things into gold by his mere touch. It seems his real name was King Mitre, and, in fact, everything he touched turned into forty-five degree angles. Everything, including his own daughter. You notice one angle in particular -- prominent because of its long golden tresses and flowing white gown. Unlimber your handy-dandy jar of unAngling cream.

Rub the unAngling cream on the daughter. Slowly, the angle turns into King Mitre's beautiful daughter, Princess Theta. Mitre is so happy to see her again that he rewards you with a truly useful gift, a perfect eighty-two degree angle. (He explains he only brushed against it.) Take the angle. Hey! Your batting average is going up! You now have two objects out of eight. Put the angle in the basket with the hose.

By the way, at this point your inventory may be a bit top-heavy. I mean, what good is a jar of unAngling cream, now that it's empty? And who needs a TEE-Remover Machine after it's done its work? That stool isn't much good, either. Unless you're terribly possessive about such things, go ahead, drop them, along with the matchbook, the scrap of paper and any other flotsam you still have. On the other hand, no sense being a litterbug. Why not pick a central spot where you can drop them unobtrusively? (I chose the basement below my cell.) Nothing like being tidy, eh? And you never know when something might come in handy. On the other hand, if you're a slob, there's no penalty in the game for dropping things wherever you please, once you've used them. Just make sure not to drop anything prematurely.

After you've got your angle tucked away, leave good King Mitre. As you depart, you realize the dummy has inadvertently touched the princess again, but you can't do anything about that. It's time to visit the Martian desert. Go south.


You've come to a Ruin, one of many you'll encounter. Go south again. You're still in the desert. Go east to Another Ruin. Sitting on a rock is a truly repulsive frog. I mean, this one is the repulsive frog of all repulsives in the frog kingdom. It is also wearing a little gold crown. Go ahead, kiss the frog.

Yuck! The frog is so ugly you just cannot bring yourself to kiss it. Yet, instinctively you realize that somehow, some way you've just got to screw up your courage, pucker up and plant one on its repulsive kisser. For now, though, go west, then, north to Yet Another Ruin. This one is unimpressive except for the fact that it does seem to contain a black circle. No, don't stand on it (unless you have a hankering to visit the basement below your cell). Retrace your steps by going south to the frog, then, east to the Dessert.

Very sharp-eyed gamesters will have noted the word "dessert" above. "Ha!" they will proclaim, "I knew the Sysop editors around here didn't know how to spell!" Wrongo, smahties. The word IS Dessert. In fact, you're looking at a fifty foot Martian Cream Pie. It is a mirage, of course. So are the trails which appear to lead to the northwest and southwest from here.

(You were advised that all is not always as it seems in an Infocom production. Those trails are not mirages after all.) Go southeast.

You've come to an Oasis. There is a little bunny rabbit hippity-hopping around the premises. Get him. (What you do with him, I confess, I haven't the foggiest. But I got him anyway, so you might as well, too. Maybe he makes good rabbit stew.) On the other hand, you also see a black circle here, and I DO know what to do about that. That's odd. The black circle mysteriously turns white! Get out your can and pour the black stain on the circle. That's better. Now it's black again. Stand on the circle.

Whoosh! You're in Cleveland. (Remember, Cleveland?) Go south. Well, now, here's a lawn that somebody cares about. Actually, it's a muddy patch of crabgrass, but there's a rake and a sack full of leaves. Forget everything except the sack. Take it and dump out the leaves. Now that the sack is empty, you've got a much better receptacle than your wicker basket. Put all your goodies except the blanket in the sack. Leave the blanket in the basket. It looks cute in there. Now go north, then, northeast.

You're standing inside a Teensy-Weensy House. Go upstairs and You find yourself in a Bedroom containing an open window, an unmade bed and a sheet lying half on the floor. Get the sheet.

Tear the sheet into strips and tie the strips together (which forms a rope), then tie the rope to the bed. Throw the loose end of the rope out the window. Your faithful friend, Trent/Tiffany, will now shinny down the sheet. (If you try, you soon learn you're too heavy and fall to your untimely demise. This is not terribly important except that it ends the game.) Once on the street, your pal will just have time to unscrew a handy headlight before being unceremoniously struck by a truck and, evidently, killed.

Before you can burst into tears over your loss, your companion reappears in a cloud of falling plaster as the ceiling above you collapses! He offers an explanation of his startling reincarnation, but I won't bore you with it here. After all, I presume you can read it for yourself if you're playing the game. Anyway, take the headlight he/she is carrying and put it in the sack. That's three out of eight!

Time to leave picturesque Cleveland, so go downstairs and go east into the garden behind the Wee House. There's a trellis against the house and a fresh piece of sod. Lifting the sod reveals another black circle! (If you need to be told about the trellis, you're not paying attention.) Stand on the circle. You're teleported to the basement below your cell. You see, you could have come here from the black circle in that ruin I told you about. But if you did that you might have missed Cleveland, and...oh, forget it.

Right about here is where I dropped all my superfluous, used-up junk. You see, I didn't have a walkthru like you've got, and I didn't know whether I might not need my superfluous, used-up junk again. For some reason which only a tentacled alien could divine, the basement seemed like a logical spot. Of course, being tidy never hurt anyone, but I think I've covered this ground already.


Go upstairs. Go 'way upstairs, all the way to the Roof of the Observatory, upstairs! This time, stand on the black circle there. You will be back in the ruin just south of King Mitre's castle. Go north. Mitre will still be sitting on his throne, surrounded by forty-five degree angles, looking dejected. One of them has long golden hair and a flowing white gown (sigh). If only old Mitre could keep his paws to himself! Well, leave him to his ruminations and go north to the Royal Docks and board the barge.

You see some simple controls. Examine the controls. One is a huge orange button, which reads "Magnetomoor On." The other is a huge purple button. It reads, "Go With the Flow." Pushing the orange button causes the words to read "Magnetomoor Off." It also causes the barge to drift away from the dock into the channel. Pushing the purple button causes the words to read "Full Speed Ahead."

As soon as you have pushed orange, push purple, wait one turn, and push orange again. (You can pretty much forget about purple from now on.) Anyway, by pushing orange you have reactivated the Magnetomoor. (Magnet-O-Moor, get it?) This is your dock/undock device. Since all the docks in the canal contain barge magnets, all you need do to moor at one is push the orange button in a timely fashion. To unmoor, push it again.

All right, the first dock you'll clank against is Baby Dock. Disembarge and go north. You find yourself among the Dunes, and there is a strange alien warrior lying dead here. Next to the alien is a chapstick. Get it. Partially buried in the sand nearby is a strangely coded message. Get that, too.

If you carefully read your 3-D comic book which comes with LGOP, you will recall a bit in there about a transposition code. You say you forgot the code? Well, go back and reread it. In the meantime, I'll translate the strangely coded message. It says, "Your mission is to contact wife number nnn (the number is inserted randomly) of the sultan/sultaness and get the secret map. Identify yourself to her by asking her to kiss your kneecaps."

Now, wasn't that easy? Leave the alien in the dunes and go back to your barge. Board the barge and go through the orange button ritual.

The second and extremely opulent dock you come to is THIS is My Kind of Dock! When you reach it, exit the barge and go east. You will be in the Main Hall of the Palace. Go south to the Laundry Room and get the clothespin. Now go back north into the Main Hall and east into the Oriental Garden. Here, you see a well containing handholds downward. Climb down.

At the bottom of the well is a black circle. You land upon it and are immediately transported back to the barge. This is a good circle to know about. It teleports you to wherever you've parked your barge, and this knowledge will come in mighty handy later in the game. For now, though, re-exit the barge and go back into the palace. From the main hall, go northeast.

Now, if you're playing this game as a male you will be in the sultan's palace. If you're a lady-person, your host-person will be a sultaness. In either case, you find yourself in the Audience Chamber confronting one or the other, as the case may be. Whomever it is, sultan or sultaness, will confront you with a riddle. Your faithful companion will burst out with a dumb answer and wind up being tossed to the tigers by the palace eunuchs. Alas! You were beginning to be fond of him/her, but on with the game. Alas, again! You're next if you don't get it right.

The answer to the riddle is, "Riddle." So type SAY "RIDDLE." Oh, goody! The sultan/ess begrudgingly rewards you with an hour of rapturous bliss with one of his/her 8,379 wives/husbands. Hie thee west into the harem. Here you are confronted by a harem guard who asks you to make a selection, any number from 1 to 8,379. Naturally, you pick the number you gleaned from the coded message. (Remember, the message was written backward, which means the number was backward, too.)

Wait a bit and soon your choice will beckon you to her/his obscenely luxurious bed chamber. Ahem <er> afterward, type TELL WIFE/HUSBAND, "KISS MY KNEECAPS." Your partner will present you with a secret map of the catacombs. (It comes in your game package, by the way, but you'll probably still need my directions to get through the maze. Try it without them, you'll see.) She/he also pulls aside the covers and indicates a secret passage down. You are told it's the only way out of the harem. Take the torch he/she gives you and go down.

You are now in the catacombs. Well, what do you know. Here's your faithful companion Trent/Tiffany with another outlandish explanation of his/her reappearance. You listen and then decide to push on.

For my money, your visit to the catacombs is the toughest part of the game. I have to admit I had help here. (Oh, all right, I had help in a couple of other places, too. Golly! I never can get through these dumb games without help! Besides, I HATE games!) Anyway, you need to follow these directions carefully, including those about "Hop, Clap and Kweepa." (I TOLD you to read the comic book.) Okay, here we go:


Get the phone book. (Four out of eight!)


Get the raft.


Stand on the black circle.

That's it. But be sure to follow the directions precisely. Of course, if you prefer being devoured by a Martian crocodile or some such, you can always find your own way.

Presuming you wind up at the black circle and stand on it, you will be teleported directly to the Well Bottom. You've been there before so you know the black circle at the bottom will take you right back to your barge. After the catacombs, the royal barge is kind of cozy. But there's no time to dally. Exit the barge and go east into the palace again. This time, go east into the Oriental Garden and from there, southeast to the base of a Tower. Actually, it's a Minaret with stairs leading upward so go up.

The view here is breathtaking, almost as nice as the cliff top back in the jungle. But there's also a black circle here. Stand on it.

Zowie! You find yourself in a cramped space which, as it turns out, is right over your cell! You don't know that, of course, until the floor collapses and you find yourself tumbling through the resultant orifice into your cell. Hm, that's odd. There's a black circle here. Never noticed that before. (That's because it wasn't there before, Venusian Bird Brain!) As it turns out, this circle takes you to the main hall of the palace, but we don't want to go there this time. Exit the cell (south) and go up to the Observatory Roof. Stand on the circle and you're back in the Martian Desert (with one "s" this time). Go east to the frog.

Ah, yes, you remember that ugliest of ugly frogs? Now you have both the will and the means to kiss this total grossness. Put the clothespin on your nose. Rub the lip balm on your lips. Then, drop everything you're carrying and cover your ears with your hands. Close your eyes. At last! Kiss the frog!

Ooooh, another rapturous interlude with one of the opposite sex. It turns out you're not quite (humph!) satisfied, but at least "the one" leaves you with a small token of affection. It's a household blender. Take it. Put it in the sack. (You have been using the sack, haven't you?) If I reckon right, that's five out of eight. We're getting there!


Leave the ruin and go east into the Dessert once more. Yes, the one with two "s's." Then meander southeast to the Oasis. Stand on the circle and return to Cleveland. No particular reason for another trip to Cleveland, really. You could have gone to the other ruin which has a black circle and gone directly to your cell. It's just that I sorta feel sorry for Cleveland. Nobody in his/her right mind would EVER go there twice, would they? On the other hand, nobody in his/her right mind would play computer games, either. Would they?

Anyway, you're back in Cleveland. Go northeast, then east (into the garden) and get yourself zapped back to the hallway near your cell. Go down into the basement and dump your extraneous jetsam, especially the clothespin. You'd look pretty silly going up against the Leather Goddesses wearing a clothespin on your nose, right?

After you've lightened your load, go up into your cell and stand on the black circle. You find yourself back in the Main Hall of the Palace. You might want to wipe off that gooey lip balm here. Exit the palace to the west and enter your barge. Push orange. Wait. Push it again. (You know the drill.)

Wait until your barge clangs up against Wattz-Upp Dock. You hear a gurgling noise to the west (it's the Oasis). Exit the barge. When you're standing on the dock, reach over and push orange. That's right, push it! So what if your barge goes shooting out into the canal without you. Trust me.

Go west to the Oasis, stand on the circle and, voila: Beautiful, downtown CLEVELAND! (I told you I felt sorry! Now I'm sorry I did this one more time. I mean, who needs Cleveland tha-ree times?) Oh, well, you're not here for long. Go back to the garden, the black circle and...the hallway near your cell. Go up to the Observatory Roof and stand on the circle.

A pause here for a comment or two. Make that a rebuttal. Yeah, I can hear all you wisenheimers out there knocking my route. And I freely admit there might be better ways to go, bypassing my revisits to dear, picturesque downtown Cleveland. Didn't I tell you there was no particular sequence you had to follow? C'mon, didn't I? You know it, fella. Hey, if you've got something against Cleveland, go ahead, write your own walkthru.

I digress. You're back in the desert. You've sent your barge down the canal, pilotless. What to do? Go west to Yet Another Ruin. Now go northwest. You've reached Hickory & Dickory Dock. What's this? A mouse! Show the picture (of the pussy cat) to the mouse. The poor thing is frozen with fear. Get the mouse. (Only two more goodies to go!) Now go south, back to Yet Another Ruin. Stand on the black circle.

Once more, you are in the basement below your cell. Got anything to drop? How about that torch? It went "phhttttt" long ago. Okay, let it go. Next stop, upstairs to your cell. Stand on the black circle. You arrive at the palace. Go east into the Oriental Garden and enter the well.

Well, well (a little humor there, folks) you're zapped from the Well Bottom right slap dab onto your barge. Where is it? Why, it's right here at the Icy Dock, 'way, 'way down at the southern terminus of the canal.

Okay, I'll bite. Why didn't you just take the scenic route aboard the barge all the way down the canal to here? It would have been restful and, well, scenic; not to mention saving a lot of aggravation, wouldn't it, boobie? Well, for one thing, you would have missed those neato trips to Cleveland. For another, you probably would have missed the mouse, too. Oh, and one other point: If you'd taken the barge route you would have died.

It seems there is this gigantic machine just before you get to the Icy Dock. It's some sort of Martian (Phobotian?) energy machine, and it used to supply power to the whole planet. It doesn't work quite like it used to, but it works just well enough to send a lethal ion beam out over the canal. If you try to pass through it, say, on a barge, well, first you get a little headache. Then you get a truly humungous headache. Finally, after the humungous headache assumes gigantically unbearable proportions you, er, explode. And that's a fact.

Aren't you glad we went to Cleveland?

Okay, from the Icy Dock, exit the barge and go south. Oh, no, your faithful pal Trent/Tiffany slips on the ice and disappears into the frigid waters of the canal. No matter, go south, like I said. You are at the edge of the polar ice cap. Needless to say, it's cold. Go southeast.

Oh, good grief! Your passage forward is blocked by a whole waddling phalanx of penguins! One of them is carrying a sign. Read the sign. It suggests that you donate to the Penguin Relief Fund. Well, there's nothing for it but to give your coin (the Marsmid tenner) to the penguin.

The penguin thanks you graciously, and gives you your change, a one Marsmid coin. (You don't know it yet, but the little guy just did you a favor.) The penguins part to let you pass, so go southeast.

You arrive at a gypsy camp. About the only thing here is a single forlorn tent, pitched on the north side of the camp. You are greeted by two robots, a male and a female (they're gypsies, see). No sooner do they invite you in for tiffin than a meteorite swoops down and kills both robots dead. Oh, dear, from inside the tent you hear the wail of a baby crying, "Mommy."

Enter the tent. Sure enough, it's a gypsy robot baby. Get the baby and put it in your wicker basket. Oh, that's nice. The baby appreciates the warmth of the blanket and instantly goes to sleep. As for you, exit the tent and go south - to the South Pole, as a matter of fact.

What else would you expect to find at the South Pole? Righto! It's an Igloo! But the front door is locked. Gazing through the igloo window you are tantalized by the sight of a pair of cotton balls. Instantly, your brain cells focus, cutting through the fog of forgetfulness like lasers. You suddenly recall that cotton balls were on the list. How to get them?

Let's re-read that description of the igloo one more time. Yessir, I thought so. There's a sign over the door. It reads, "Martian Orphanages, Inc., South Polar Branch." Well, what do you suppose might be an appropriate action for someone carrying an orphan in a basket to take, standing like you are on the doorstep of an orphanage? Listen, if you can't figure this one out for yourself, you never, ever should try another text adventure game again. After all, you might have to get through the next one without a walkthru.

Hey, you're smahtah than I thought you were! You put the wicker basket on the doorstep. Then, you hide behind a snowdrift and wait. Sure enough, from inside the igloo emerges a matronly woman of immense proportions. She takes the basket and its contents into the igloo and closes the door. But she doesn't lock it.

Open the door, enter the igloo, get the cotton balls and scram. Retrace your steps north to the gypsy camp, northwest to the penguin park, then go west to the Allusion Room. As it turns out, the Allusion Room is nothing more or less than a black circle. Stand on it. You are whisked back to the Oasis. Well, I'll be a petrified penguin! Here's Trent/Tiffany, emerging alive and well. The saga of how he/she survived the fall into the icy waters is too bizzarre to bear repeating, so we'll move right along. Stand on the circle at the Oasis. Guess where we are now?


Cleveland!!! This is really ridiculous, so let's beat feet. Get into that garden and onto the circle. You're back in the hallway so go on up one more time to the Observation Room (the one with the closet to the north). Go into the closet. It's too dark to see, but you can still stand on the circle. I'm sure you remember it takes you to the jungle. Leave the jungle by way of the circle on the cliff top. Go ahead, there won't be any flytraps, salesmen or mad scientists to stop you.

You are teleported for the last time to the Royal Docks. (Just a tad away is Mitre's castle, but you're not going there this time.) Instead, put your raft (the one you've been lugging along since you found it in the catacombs) into the water. Board the raft.

Here, you have to be alert. As you drift down the canal in your raft, you might be lulled into your customary state of not carefully reading the descriptions in the game. Do not permit this to occur. What you're looking for is a passage indicating that a dock is close enough for you to grab. Actually, you will pass several docks which are eminently grabbable. Grab them all just to be on the safe side. The one you want is Donald Dock.

When you've grabbed Donald Dock, exit the raft (you pull it onto the dock for safe-keeping). Go south to the Dunetop. From here, go east to the Canalview Mall. There appears to be just one shop in the mall worth visiting and it lies to the south. Go south. You are in the Exit Shop. The sign says, "Exits bought and sold." Buy an Exit.

Now, I told you the penguins did you a favor. If you had tried to buy the Exit with your ten Marsmid coin, the shopkeeper (one of the more lively gents in the story, by the way) would have refused you. It seems Exits cost just one Marsmid and he wouldn't dream of overcharging you nor can he make change. As things stand, he takes your one Marsmid coin and, sleepily, hands you a cardboard tube. It falls into the dust. Retrieve the tube, open it and you find your Exit. What's an Exit, for goodness sakes? It's a sort of collapsible black circle, that's what. Tuck it away and go north, then west, then north, back to Donald Dock.

Re-launch your raft, board it and drift. Once again, grab any dock you see. Eventually, you will come to Wattz-Upp Dock. Exit your raft, leave it and head to the Oasis. Stand on the circle.

Now really, gang! I'm sorry. But there was no other way. Just forget it's Cleveland, go to the garden and stand on the circle. I promise. We won't be coming back. Hey, you've got seven items out of eight. That ain't all bad. Isn't it worth just one more trip to Cleveland? Oh. Listen, you don't have to get nasty about this.

Once back in the hallway, go up to the closet in the Observation Room and stand on the circle. When you get to the jungle, go west. You're in the Spawning Ground. And there's just one circle left you've never used before. Stand on the circle.

You find yourself in the hold of a giant spaceship. There's a sword here. Oh, Lord! A dark figure appears from the shadows of the hold and hurls a radium-powered grenade onto the floor! Your faithful friend Trent/Tiffany hurls him/her self on the thing, saving you and giving up his life...quite messily if I may say, in the process. No time to lose! Get the sword. Don't dally either. Go south.

You are in a stable where you find a magnificent white stallion. Actually, you are aboard the flagship of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Main Attack Fleet. The stable you're in contains the Leather Goddesses' Main Attack Fleet Cavalry Mounts, of which the stallion is one. Mount the stallion and kick it in the flank. Go west.

The stallion dashes down a long east-west corridor in the ship, reaching with stallion-like speed the main hatch of the ship. Here you spy a white therma suit. Dismount, put on the suit and open the hatch. Go north.

You are in space. Floating near the battle cruiser you have just left is a small passenger spaceship. Near the small passenger spaceship is a sinister figure. He/she turns out to be Thorbast/Thorbala, who is further identified as the Chief Assassin of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS. 'Twas he, it appears, who hurled that grenade. Thorbast is busily engaged, strapping a beautiful, helpless young lady/man to the hull of the small passenger spaceship. Your move. Attack Thorbast with your sword.

For awhile, Thorbast will parry your thrusts, and it will be nip and tuck whether you get by this episode or not. While you're fighting for your dear life, you notice a perfectly dreadful bug-eyed monster, oozing its way toward Thorbast's helpless victim. The hideous monster reaches the woman/man and starts to remove her/his garments, one at a time. The helpless victim shrieks in terror.

Meanwhile, you keep attacking Thorbast. Eventually, in the furor of the action, he drops his sword. Ever the gallant, you retrieve the sword and give it back to your foe. Realizing you are truly the good guy, Thorbast knows now that he doesn't have a chance. So he saves us all a lot of trouble and impales himself upon his own sword. Farewell, Thorbast. Now it's the monster's turn.

Interestingly enough, the bug-eyed horror is getting down to the interesting part when you attack. He squawks once and flees, leaving his victim just barely clad and grateful as all get-out that you happened along. You release her/him and follow her/him into the cabin of the small spaceship. From the wall of the ship she/he plucks a photo and gives it to you. (It just happens to be a picture of Jean Harlow/Douglas Fairbanks, the very thing you've been looking for.) You are told that, written on the back, is the address of daddy, who will reward you handsomely if you ever visit Ganymede. With that, the lady/man exits to the east, closing the door with a flourish. Naturally, you follow.

Shocked to see you, the lady/man is nonetheless receptive to your advances. What follows is another one of those boring orgy type events which we'd just better skip for now. After all, we still have to deal with those Leather Goddesses before they launch their invasion fleet and all is lost. We have all the items Trent/Tiffany wanted. But golly! When last we saw Trent/Tiffany, he/she was splattered all over the hold of that LGOP battleship!

Exit the small passenger spaceship and go south twice. You will be back inside the LGOP battle cruiser. Walk (do not ride the stallion) east down the long east-west corridor. Well, I'll be a Thorbast's Thorax! Here's Trent/Tiffany, following along behind, explaining how he/she got here! Keep walking until you reach the black circle. Stand on the circle.

You are back in the Oasis. This time, though, don't use the exit here. Instead, drop your own Exit. Stand on that.

You are in a boudoir, lying on a divan. Next to you, actually, is a figure you can barely make out in the shadows. You can't see who it is, but the heavy scent of leather is unmistakable. Go ahead. Touch the goddess. Oh, go on!

Yipes! You have violated the sanctity of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS private boudoir! For this transgression, you are summarily ejected through a trap door, down a long chute into the Plaza.

What follows is a hilarious description of the attack upon you and Trent/Tiffany by the entire armed minions of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS. It's worth the price of the game. While the attack goes on, all that remains is for you to hand to Trent/Tiffany each of the items you have procured at such great peril, one by one as you are instructed. Suffice to say, Trent/Tiffany puts them to good use, constructing the best doggoned Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Attack Machine ever crafted on this or any other planet by a faithful companion.

Suffice also to say that the machine works and the minions of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS are routed. As for you, you're back in Upper Sandusky, Ohio, lying dazed in the roadside near a sleepy-looking gas station. From within emerge three uniformed attendants, cooing prettily (or booming manfully), "Are you all right?" The game has ended, and all you can do now is await patiently for the sequel. Coming soon from those smahties at Infocom: Gas Pump Girls Meet the Pulsating Inconvenience from Planet X.

LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS is published by Infocom, Inc.

This walkthru is copyright (c) 1986 by Neil P. McCulloch. All rights reserved.

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